HealtyDayS

The death of a loved one is heart-wrenching and painful. But when the death is because of suicide, those left behind face even more difficult challenges.

Overwhelming emotions can leave you reeling. It may seem like your support system has vanished. And you may be consumed by guilt, wondering if there’s something you could have done to prevent your loved one’s death.

Bereavement after a loved one has taken their own life is often more complicated, intense and prolonged than it is with a death from natural causes. Although you may never fully recover and always feel a loss, you can learn how to cope better and eventually move forward in a way that’s healthy.

Brace for powerful emotions

It’s common for a wave of powerful emotions to wash over you when you first learn of a loved one’s death by suicide.

The immediate emotional response often includes:

• Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness may take hold. It’s hard to accept a sudden and traumatic death, even if it may have been preceded by suicidal behavior or talk. You may think that this couldn’t have happened, that it’s not real, or that it’s only a nightmare and when you wake up, things will be OK.
• Confusion. You may not understand why your loved one died this way. Some people who take their own life don’t offer any indications that they’re considering suicide, so you may find it hard to reconcile the person you knew with the actions they took.
• Anger. It’s natural to feel anger about many different things after a suicide. People who were in contact with your loved one near the time of the suicide — doctors, police, emergency workers, friends or family — can become objects of your anger or rage. You may feel they let your loved one down, missed clues about suicidal intentions or could have prevented the death. You may direct your anger at yourself, too. And you may also become angry with your loved one, feeling cheated, abandoned or left with a legacy of suffering and irreparable grief.
• Despair. Sadness, depression, a sense of defeat or hopelessness can grip you. You may even consider suicide yourself.
• Grief. Sorrow and anguish run deep as you mourn the loss of your loved one’s life, and mourn for yourself, as well.
• Guilt. Survivors often initially think they could have done something to prevent a suicide. You may replay “what-if” and “if-only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for their death. You may also feel guilty about your interactions with your loved one, regretting an angry phone call, long-ago childhood teasing or postponed visits. You may also feel embarrassed and ashamed that a loved one has committed suicide.

Physical reactions after a suicide

Along with these emotions can come a variety of physical reactions to a suicide, including crying, screaming, outbursts and physical collapse. On the other hand, you may be so stunned and numb that you can’t cry or react at all.

You may experience intense reactions that resemble post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), either immediately or in the weeks or months afterward. These can include nightmares and flashbacks — especially if you witnessed the suicide or found your loved one. You may experience social withdrawal and avoid people and places that remind you of the death. You may picture your loved one’s last moments over and over as you search for answers or clues about the death.

It can take weeks or months for the intensity of these emotions and behavioral reactions to subside. And they may linger at low levels for years.

If you try to ignore your feelings, deny yourself the opportunity to mourn, or you don’t find the support you want, you may not improve, and other problems can develop. Survivors of suicide are more likely to develop depression, and families that don’t find healthy ways to cope can be torn apart by unresolved issues.

Seeking help and support after a suicide

If you’re being worn down by the physical and emotional aftermath of a loved one’s suicide, you may experience sleeping problems, loss of appetite, concentration difficulties, headaches, nausea, digestive complaints, exhaustion, lack of motivation and other ailments.

You may turn first to family, friends or support groups for comfort. Some bereavement groups are specifically intended for survivors of suicide.

Because stigma — perceived or actual — can accompany suicide or mental illness, you may find it easier to share your experiences with others in a support group who are struggling with the same issues. You’re less likely to feel shame, embarrassment or a need to hide the truth. You may benefit from the empathy, understanding and guidance that support groups offer. And you may find purpose or strength in reaching out to others trying to cope with their own losses.

But if the trauma of the death causes intense or unrelenting anguish or physical problems, consider asking your doctor or mental health professional for help, especially if you have thoughts of suicide yourself.

Psychotherapy or medications can help you cope. You may only need short-term treatment to get you through the worst of the crisis. Therapy can help even if the death was years ago. Family therapy with children or your spouse can help if normal functioning and interaction have been displaced by blame and isolation.

Healthy coping strategies after a suicide

A suicide can be devastating. These strategies can help you get through it in a way that safeguards your own mental and physical well-being:

• Keep in touch. Your inclination may be to withdraw into isolation. After all, it may seem easier than confronting painful emotions, reminders or situations. But the support of family, friends, spiritual leaders or your faith community can soothe your distress and even offer a healthy distraction.
• Share your story. Talking about your experience in the safe and comfortable environment of a support group first can make it easier to tell others about your loved one’s death later. You may initially struggle with what or how much to reveal. Do what’s comfortable for you. Many survivors of suicide find it easiest to be forthright and honest, simply stating that their loved one died by suicide. You may encounter people who don’t know what to say to you — they might not even mention your loved one’s name, for instance. Or they may seem to avoid you. But that’s usually because they don’t want to risk saying something inappropriate and wounding you further. Decide whether you want to take the initiative and share your feelings.
• Do what’s right for you. Grieve in your own way, not someone else’s. You may find it too painful to visit your loved one’s gravesite, for instance, while someone else may want to go every day.
• Be prepared for painful reminders. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other occasions you normally would celebrate can become painful reminders of your loss. This is a normal reaction, so don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. If it helps, change or suspend family traditions that are too painful to continue.
• Don’t rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace. You may, for instance, want to take more time off work than a standard bereavement leave allows. And don’t be hurried by a friend’s expectations that it’s been “long enough.”
• Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others. And some days, when you thought things were improving, you may find yourself overwhelmed by powerful emotions once again. The death of another loved one even years later may reawaken memories of the suicide, for example. But know that healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line. There’ll be bumps, and your coping strategies will help you get over them.

It’s OK to start enjoying your life again, to find laughter in funny movies or in your toddler’s antics. Pursuing hobbies, socializing and having fun aren’t a betrayal of your loved one’s memory. They’re a sign of your healing.

A future beyond your loved one’s suicide

In the aftermath of a loved one’s suicide, you may feel like you can’t go on, that you’ll never enjoy life again. In fact, you may never completely get over the loss. You may always wonder why it happened, and reminders may trigger painful feelings even years later.

But eventually, the intensity will fade. The tragedy of it won’t dominate your days or nights. Perhaps you’ll find meaning and purpose in activism, or you’ll begin recalling moments from happier times and smile to yourself. Understanding what you’re up against as you heal and adopting healthy coping strategies will help get you there.